Great Expectations

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”

Buddha

I like to find quotes that I need to hear. Quotes that give me something simple to focus my monkey mind on. I like to post them on my facebook page and remind other people of what I need to hear too. Because I am just that cool. Today I decided to write about it instead of posting it to fb. I needed to see this one. I have been up and down uncomfortable for the past three days and I have been on this path long enough to know that growth comes from moments like the ones I am having.

I am growing like a weed today.

  I could try and point to several different things that are causing me to feel this way, but the truth is it doesn’t matter. This is just how I feel. I have a limited vantage point on my world and what I see is scaring me right now. I am not reacting to things the way I assume that I should be. I mean, for God’s sake, I have been sober a WHOLE YEAR. Shouldn’t I be perfect at this by now? What do you mean, no? Of course, I don't expect you to be perfect, just me.

 And there it is. My expectations of others pale in comparison to my expectations of myself.

I have spent most of the last three days in bed. I fought to get out of bed today to head to class and I am quite happy to report that I did win the fight….. until I went to drive away and my car would not start. A problem that was quickly corrected with the help of others, but then I would be late getting to class and I hate walking in late anywhere and I really do have a head cold and…….. back to bed I went.

I am pissed at myself that I am not in class. My hand should be in the air for every question, perfect well-articulated answers flowing freely from my brilliant brain to my eager mouth- dazzling everyone around me with my intellect…… ahh the ego, such a wonderful enemy to have. My ego lets me think that should be my day, instead of embracing what my day actually has turned out to be.

I am sitting on my bed (big surprise), hair a mess (even bigger surprise), with a crazy cat running laps around the room (not a surprise at all), while I type away on my laptop. I have cried and laughed today about my situation, called my sponsor, spoke to friends and had a VERY lengthy conversation with my Higher Power. I thought it was my place to let HP know just what I think of the path I am on and that he probably picked the wrong girl for this job. The right girl could handle disappointment with the greatest of ease and would be in class today, not hiding in her apartment like Miss Havisham, from “Great Expectations” (minus the wedding dress, however it is still early).

Now the fact that my life is set up in such a way that I can have days like these and not feel guilty about it does not seem to play a huge role in the fact that I still do feel guilty about it. No, I enjoy ignoring that little detail. It is soooo much more self-deprecating to think of myself as a huge disappointment that will of course fail out of school, end up all alone in her old wedding dress talking to a boy named Pip or a cat named Tony Curtis (If I can get him to stop doing laps of course) That is far more romantic than looking at what I really am. Which, is a woman doing her best to learn how to live life in a completely new way because the way she has been doing things since the age of about 5 was totally unhealthy and would surely end, not in a blaze of glory as it was long thought , but a whimper of despair as it was almost proven.

While this whole little internal battle was started by the actions (or inactions to be more accurate) of another, it is my judgment of my emotions that has truly done me in. 

My judgments of me= my ego’s judgments of my heart’s emotions.

I understand that I cannot always get what I want, I understand that there are plenty of fish in the sea, I understand that people are just trying to do their best with what they have been given ….. I get it. I really do. What I don’t effing understand is why I have to feel emotions about it? And WHY DEAR GOD do those emotions cause me to have emotions about my emotions? Why can’t I apply the same relaxed and groovy approach I have about someone cutting in line at Starbucks to every life situation?

As I was typing that last line I remembered I do have emotions about people cutting in line at Starbucks…… DAMMIT….. Foiled again! But at least those emotions are not strong enough to force me into the land of crazy hair and too many cigarettes. 

I was talking to a friend earlier and she reminded me I am a girl/woman, and that we have emotions about things, that this was all normal and I would be fine. I reminded myself that I am blessed to not need a drink or a drug to feel better today and tonight I will go to a meeting where I will be reminded it is progress not perfection. I do need to pat myself on the back for not trying to manipulate this situation into something that will give me temporary relief and I am talking about it. Blah, Blah, Blah

I am still pissed that there is anything to talk about.

There is another quote from The Buddha that I would like to remember today. He says you can look through the whole world for someone deserving of your love and you will never find someone more deserving than yourself. I like that quote. I just wish it wasn’t so hard to do some days. But I am grateful on the days that it is I have my daughter, friends, laptop, a crazy cat and Marlboro Lights to see me through.