A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the
prerogative of the brave.
Gandhi
I am sure Gandhi knows what he is talking about. But
I do think he has an unfair advantage at practicing this principle. He has been
in pajamas most of his life and he doesn’t date as far as I know. He should try
doing it in a pair of skinny jeans.
For me, being vulnerable feels incredibly scary. It
is however getting so much easier to do. I have been given the gift of
wonderful friends that I get the chance to be myself with, even while I am
trying to figure out what that self is. I practice on them, I learn from them,
I receive love from them and I do my best to give love right back. It has gone
from feeling like I do in the “show up to school naked dreams” to only mildly
uncomfortable from time to time.
Where I find trouble today is when I get into
conversations with people outside of recovery. My honesty does not seem as well
received out there in the real world. As a matter of fact, it seems quite
frowned upon at times. This is what I have spent my life trying to avoid, the
feeling of not fitting in.
Before recovery it was so much easier to appear
pleasing. I would just lie- Problem solved.
Oh, you like basketball? So do I! (I hate
basketball) How is my day? Fantastic.. never better! (Except for me crying in
my car for an hour today and trying to figure out what outfit my family should
put me in for my funeral after I commit suicide) You want to cover your entire
body in honey, put on a tutu and jump off a bridge this weekend? Let me see if I
can move some things around and I’ll join you. (Just please get the word out
that I am super easy going and open to new experiences)
People were so much easier to deal with when I would
just lie to them.
Vulnerability
has been kicking my ass over the past few weeks. I don’t like it and yet I keep
showing up for more. As I am typing this
I realize that I keep expecting a blue ribbon for honesty from the people
around me. They don’t always play along outside of recovery. Maybe I should buy
some blue ribbons to give to them so they can give them to me when I see fit? I
had an uncomfortable moment today at a coffee shop with the guy selling me my
tea that a blue ribbon could have smoothed over nicely. I forgot I was talking
to someone who was not in recovery and made a joke about doing large amount of
drugs. Which, by the way was really funny if you’re in the club. However,
judging by the look on his face, it was just disturbing if you are not.
At this point I am not sure my social skills were
all that great before, but at least I think I passed for normal most of the
time. Now it seems I can’t even fake it for a few moments without blowing my
own cover. I find myself in real trouble if I get into conversations about
anything deeper than the weather. You know conversations about heavy stuff….
like what kind of tea I would like to drink.
I think the issue with honesty today is I am not
sure what my truth makes me. Does it mean I am crazy or insightful? Am I on the
verge of greatness or another break-down? Is my personality refreshing or
draining?
Going through this process is further complicated by
the fact I am extremist. My first thought is to see things in only black and
white (Shocking after reading that last bit I bet) So when I get push back from
a few people, or when I am honest with someone and they don’t respond the way I
want them to, my next thought it I am going to be alone with my cat forever because
I am too socially awkward to remain in society. Hell, I am not even sure Tony
Curtis is gonna stick it out with me. He seems more aloof than normal lately
and there is just a judging tone in his “meow” that I am picking up on.
FUCK-
The only option that seems to be the right choice is
to embrace who I am and just love the hell out of myself. Then it just will not matter as much what other people think. (There is not a total
defeat font, but I am hoping the fuck in all caps did the trick in conveying it)
For a woman like me it does feel like total defeat at times to just accept who I
am. I keep falling prey to the delusion I am supposed to be someone else. A
someone else who is of course super cool and never upsets anyone with either
her words, actions or presence.
God I wish I was that cool… But clearly there is
another plan for me. If you find the blueprints on my life, please send them to
me. I really would love to know how it all ends up working out.
No comments:
Post a Comment