Do you know? Cause I don't know, you know?

“As for me, all that I know is that I know nothing.”

Socrates

I start with that today because I do not write these blogs to pretend I know anything at all. I am well aware of exactly how little I know most moments of any given day. I write these blogs to help me live in the truth of that statement a bit easier and in the hopes that someone will read them and say “me too”. There is no other reason than that, but that is reason enough today.

I have been waiting all week for an issue to be resolved with a man I have been seeing. Last night resolution came, although it was not the answer I hoped for or the way I hoped to get it, resolution was obtained.

The most amazing thing I learned this week was that after a year being sober I was able to let someone be who they are and show them love, even when I was not getting what I wanted. That is a gift of sobriety.  It is just too bad that someone wasn’t me.

All week long was full of thoughts that the way I was feeling was just wrong. I was shoulding all over myself. “I shouldn’t be sad, I should be grateful. I shouldn’t be so attached.  I shouldn’t want what I want” All of that shoulding just served to make me feel even worse. Not once did my berating help me in the situation, for the same reason it does not help if I do it to another person. People have no control over how they feel. Telling them they are wrong for having their feelings is like telling a person what they feel does not matter. Unfortunately (or fortunately. Depending how you look at it), those “people” include me, even with all my best efforts to the contrary. Walking around telling myself that I was wrong all week was like me telling myself I don’t matter. No wonder I was so uncomfortable.  I was hanging out with a jerk all week. (I say jerk in the most loving way possible. By jerk I mean very scared and misinformed ego. I will do a 4^th step and get an amends in ASAP! I promise)

 “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today……” I read that line often and give my best effort to apply it to others. I learned this week none of that matters if I don’t give it to myself. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I don’t know that to be fact, but I have faith that it is true. If I could choose to move “somewhere” further along in this process I would, but I can’t. So I must be where I am supposed to be.

Now being accepting of others is not all bad and is still a completely new idea to me. An extremely long emotional email was typed and nearly sent last night. However, faith won out over self-will and it was read to a friend and put in my journal instead. It was the kind of email that was full of all the feelings that pull at a man’s heart strings and make them think twice about what they are doing. Everything in it was 100% true and I feel every word of it. Everything in it was also 100% selfish, manipulative and completely self-serving. I would have been telling that beautiful soul of a man the way he felt was wrong, that his feelings did not matter, just as I had done to myself all week.  That  is not acceptable to do today.

So here I sit in my bed, typing away on my laptop, trusty cat at my side and my phone beeping every few moments with messages of love from the women in my life. My life is how it should be today and I am how I should be today. Today what that means is that I am a bit sad about what almost was and grateful for what is. I have a heart that is open enough to hold on and a mind that is open enough to learn to let go.

I mean I think that is where I am, but as I said before…. I really don’t know.

Great Expectations

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”

Buddha

I like to find quotes that I need to hear. Quotes that give me something simple to focus my monkey mind on. I like to post them on my facebook page and remind other people of what I need to hear too. Because I am just that cool. Today I decided to write about it instead of posting it to fb. I needed to see this one. I have been up and down uncomfortable for the past three days and I have been on this path long enough to know that growth comes from moments like the ones I am having.

I am growing like a weed today.

  I could try and point to several different things that are causing me to feel this way, but the truth is it doesn’t matter. This is just how I feel. I have a limited vantage point on my world and what I see is scaring me right now. I am not reacting to things the way I assume that I should be. I mean, for God’s sake, I have been sober a WHOLE YEAR. Shouldn’t I be perfect at this by now? What do you mean, no? Of course, I don't expect you to be perfect, just me.

 And there it is. My expectations of others pale in comparison to my expectations of myself.

I have spent most of the last three days in bed. I fought to get out of bed today to head to class and I am quite happy to report that I did win the fight….. until I went to drive away and my car would not start. A problem that was quickly corrected with the help of others, but then I would be late getting to class and I hate walking in late anywhere and I really do have a head cold and…….. back to bed I went.

I am pissed at myself that I am not in class. My hand should be in the air for every question, perfect well-articulated answers flowing freely from my brilliant brain to my eager mouth- dazzling everyone around me with my intellect…… ahh the ego, such a wonderful enemy to have. My ego lets me think that should be my day, instead of embracing what my day actually has turned out to be.

I am sitting on my bed (big surprise), hair a mess (even bigger surprise), with a crazy cat running laps around the room (not a surprise at all), while I type away on my laptop. I have cried and laughed today about my situation, called my sponsor, spoke to friends and had a VERY lengthy conversation with my Higher Power. I thought it was my place to let HP know just what I think of the path I am on and that he probably picked the wrong girl for this job. The right girl could handle disappointment with the greatest of ease and would be in class today, not hiding in her apartment like Miss Havisham, from “Great Expectations” (minus the wedding dress, however it is still early).

Now the fact that my life is set up in such a way that I can have days like these and not feel guilty about it does not seem to play a huge role in the fact that I still do feel guilty about it. No, I enjoy ignoring that little detail. It is soooo much more self-deprecating to think of myself as a huge disappointment that will of course fail out of school, end up all alone in her old wedding dress talking to a boy named Pip or a cat named Tony Curtis (If I can get him to stop doing laps of course) That is far more romantic than looking at what I really am. Which, is a woman doing her best to learn how to live life in a completely new way because the way she has been doing things since the age of about 5 was totally unhealthy and would surely end, not in a blaze of glory as it was long thought , but a whimper of despair as it was almost proven.

While this whole little internal battle was started by the actions (or inactions to be more accurate) of another, it is my judgment of my emotions that has truly done me in. 

My judgments of me= my ego’s judgments of my heart’s emotions.

I understand that I cannot always get what I want, I understand that there are plenty of fish in the sea, I understand that people are just trying to do their best with what they have been given ….. I get it. I really do. What I don’t effing understand is why I have to feel emotions about it? And WHY DEAR GOD do those emotions cause me to have emotions about my emotions? Why can’t I apply the same relaxed and groovy approach I have about someone cutting in line at Starbucks to every life situation?

As I was typing that last line I remembered I do have emotions about people cutting in line at Starbucks…… DAMMIT….. Foiled again! But at least those emotions are not strong enough to force me into the land of crazy hair and too many cigarettes. 

I was talking to a friend earlier and she reminded me I am a girl/woman, and that we have emotions about things, that this was all normal and I would be fine. I reminded myself that I am blessed to not need a drink or a drug to feel better today and tonight I will go to a meeting where I will be reminded it is progress not perfection. I do need to pat myself on the back for not trying to manipulate this situation into something that will give me temporary relief and I am talking about it. Blah, Blah, Blah

I am still pissed that there is anything to talk about.

There is another quote from The Buddha that I would like to remember today. He says you can look through the whole world for someone deserving of your love and you will never find someone more deserving than yourself. I like that quote. I just wish it wasn’t so hard to do some days. But I am grateful on the days that it is I have my daughter, friends, laptop, a crazy cat and Marlboro Lights to see me through.

I wanna dance with somebody...

“Lean into the discomfort”

I read that in a book by Brene Brown. It is exactly what recovery is all about and it is exactly why recovery is so hard for some. I can’t speak for anyone else, but discomfort is what I have spent most of my life trying to avoid.

Feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable is fucking scary. Letting people see who you really are and hoping you will get love back from them is fucking scary. For me I can get love back from 1,000 people, but it is the one person who doesn’t give it back that I will remember. That is the one person I will fixate on and tear myself apart about. Because I am scared that one person sees through me and sees I am just full of shit. Even though today my first goal is honesty, I lied so much to myself and others for the last 35 years I still worry that I am just as awful as I always thought I was. Sometimes for me when I am honest I get scared and instantly I can be right back where I think I started from.

From what I have heard over the past year about recovery, it is that way for a lot of us. From what I have read in Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism and Confucianism it is not special to addict and alcoholics, it is the human condition. What is special to addicts and alcoholics is how we deal with those feelings. I know, for myself, I would drown those feelings with cocaine and vodka. I would run as fast as I could from the person who was frightening. Today I still want to run, but I have a HP, sponsor, friends and program that helps me stay.

Last night a gift of my efforts happened for me. I went to a bar and had fun without drugs or alcohol. My goal was to get dressed up and go dancing, something I never thought that would be possible. Well, I did just what I set out to do. It was a ball. I danced my bum off with some fantastic sober women, who I am lucky enough to call my friends. When I went to treatment I thought I had given up fun for the rest of my life and I was okay with that. My Higher Power had humbled me to the point of total surrender and I just didn’t want to feel the way I felt anymore.

Something else happened last night too. A woman who was one of my idols as a little girl, died at the hands of the same disease I suffer from. She died alone in a hotel room, just like so many of us do.

My first thought was her daughter. This idol of mine has a daughter only one year older than my own. Last year, at about this same time, I came close to leaving this world in a similar fashion. I would have left my daughter, with what I can only guess, would be the same feelings that young woman is feeling today. I would never desire to hurt my little girl and it breaks my heart to know how close she came to not having a mother in her life. I have heard other mothers share those same feelings while in sobriety. I can only imagine that is how my idol felt too.

I have no idea why some of us are blessed to stay sober today and some are not. I don’t feel special in anyway and I know I am not smarter than most. I have no answers and sometimes I still wake up in so much fear I can’t stand myself. I am still learning how to “feel” my emotions and it makes me crazy that it is so incredibly hard to do it. But today I woke up without the urge to pick-up a drink or use a drug. Today I woke up willing to do what I could to face this day, whatever it may bring. Today I was given a gift.

I like to think we are all given the same gifts every day. I imagine that the beauty of life has always been all around me and I was just blind to it before. In Buddhism, the Buddha teaches that some only have “a little dust in their eyes” and if that dust is removed, they can be awakened.    Maybe that’s it, maybe not.

I am sending lots of love to that beautiful woman who lost her fight last night with this disease.  I hope wherever she is now, there is love, peace and joy all around her.  I am grateful that today, even when I can’t constantly feel it, I do try and remember, there is love, peace and joy around me….. always.

R.I.P. WH

You helped countless others stay sober today.

Rape is not a four letter word

I have been raped and sexually assaulted 9 times in my life.

Once at 2-years old by a female babysitter with another little boy who lived in my neighborhood

Once at 6-years old by an adult male in my neighborhood

Once at 9-years old by the same little boy involved in what happened when I was 2

Twice in two months at age 12, one time by a group of three 16-year old boys and the other by just one man

I passed out one night at a party when I was 16-years old and woke up with a boy on top of me and inside me. A friend of his came down when he was done to take his turn as well. I didn’t even fight him

Once at 21-years old I went out with some co-workers. I had too much to drink and passed out in the back of a male co-worker’s car. While he was driving me home he decided to pull over to the side of the rode. Again, woke up to him on me and inside me. I remember I had just started dating someone and was scared that what was happening meant I was cheating on him. I had to work with this man for the next 6-months.

And finally, at the age of 30, I went out with some friends and we met a group of guys at the bar. The rest is really fuzzy.  I am assuming they put something in my drink. I woke up in a hotel room with a group of men surrounding the bed. My skirt was up and my panties were down.  I crawled out of that room while those men laughed at me. I was married at the time and never told my husband what happened. He was understandably upset with me that night when I came home so late. It was shortly after that I asked my ex-husband for a divorce.

I never told anyone that could help me what happened. I took all the blame and buried it deep inside me. As I type this I can feel that very familiar feeling of shame creep up my spine and into my throat. I can feel my body tense and my stomach turn. I feel instantly dirty and want to crawl into a hole.

I have been reliving these emotions all week because a new man in my life showed me physical affection.

I am pissed about it.

For years I would only ever talk about any of this stuff when I was completely loaded and with my very closest friends.  If I talked about it too much it made it all real and I knew I could not deal with it if these events became real.  Now I am more open to talk about it, but then I worry about the way it affects the people I am telling. When I laid it all out there in treatment, the reactions I saw scared me. I thought the group was upset with me, it was not until later, after it was explained to me I found out they were upset for me. It was shortly after I shared all of this in rehab that my insurance company said I was “too emotionally damaged to benefit from further treatment”.

These events defined me for an incredibly long time and I have put a great deal of effort into working through them over the past year. All of that effort seemed to go out the window the other night when I was being kissed. I panicked, went into robot mode, shut down, hurt the man’s feelings and ran like there was no tomorrow as soon as I could.  Not my most attractive look.

My sponsor suggested I write all of this out and get it out of my head and my dear sweet friends remind me to be gentle with myself,  because I won’t be. I want what I want when I want it. What I want right now is not to have to deal with these emotions, but that is not the case. I have them and I cannot afford to ignore them anymore.  

A woman very dear to me sent me an email today. In her email she shared with me some equally awful experiences. I received an email from another woman a few days ago who shared something she too is feeling shame over.

What I told them both is that shame is not real, love is. I believe that to be true.

What I am feeling right now is not based in reality, it is based in fear. I did NOTHING to deserve what happened to me. I do not have to let these feelings control me. I do not have to be ashamed of what my story is. It is mine and it has made me who I am today. I am a sober woman facing these things the best way I know how to and there is nothing shameful about that.

So I am stepping out in love and hoping that someone else will find this helps them. But even if it doesn’t, it has helped me. I do not have to hide who I am anymore. The fact I am able to write all of this out without reaching for a drink or a drug shows the power of the program I work. All I am doing is being honest about who I am and that can never be wrong. I do not have to hold on to these things anymore and so I am letting them go today, even if it is just for today.

I don’t understand why things happen in this world. I don’t understand why things happened the way they did for me. But what I do understand is that if I change my perception I can change my day and if I do that enough days, I can change my life.

Today I am not a victim, today I am a survivor. Today I will practice gratitude for these feelings. Today I will share them and send love ahead.

Love and light….

Mental Masturbation

I have a brain that likes to cannibalize itself. No, wait… that’s not true. I have a brain that likes to eat slowly away at my soul.

It is not my entire brain that suffers from this malady. It is just a small, very vocal minority. I think it would be fair to compare this part of my brain to those Westboro Baptist protestors. The ones who show up at funerals and yell crazy shit at anyone who will listen, there are not enough of them to take over, but damn they can ruin a good time. Not that a funeral is a good time…… you know what I mean.

Anywho, back to my soul eating brain….. Meditation has helped me slow down this little monster quite a bit. The Buddha tells us that an untamed mind is basically hell and that Nirvana can be found through controlling the mind. When I meditate I am practicing slowing down my thoughts and learning to train a mind that has been running wild for the last 36 years (I like to compare my brain to Jodie Foster in the movie Nell.  Chicka mow mow may). The more I meditate, the slower my mind gets, the less of my soul my brain eats, the better I am. Seems simple, right?

Here is the real problem. There is a part of me that likes, no…. LOVES the soul eating. I get off on it. It’s like picking at a scab till it bleeds. Sometimes it just feels good. I like to call it mental masturbation. It feels every bit as self-indulgent as the other kind of masturbation, but it will not make my palms hairy. It could however be making my brain hairy and I just have not noticed it yet.

Today I noticed I was really letting myself have it about a new situation in my life. Just really getting into the guts of this great new thing and ripping them out and chewing on them until there was no taste left. Ahhhh, the sweet ecstasy of entrails.   But this is where my program and HP kick in. I had a moment, just one small moment, where I could see what I was doing to myself. It’s kind of like I was in a dark room chewing on something and then there was a flash of light and I realized it was my own arm I was chewing off, not someone else’s. Not that it is cool to chew on anyone else either (unless it’s that kind of party), but man I can really get going on other people and what they should be doing.

So when I saw I was chewing my own arm off and loving the pain, I paused and let the feelings pass. I don’t have to do this to myself today. I don’t have to be perfect today or hate myself for being human today.  When I can show that kind of love to myself it is soooooooo much easier to give love away to others, because they don’t have to be perfect either.

So that’s that. I needed to get that out of my head before my next class. The other way I combat my soul eating brain is feeding it philosophy daily. This new diet of Buddhism, Socrates and Plato seems to be working right now and I don’t want to let a day go by where I don’t feed my brain something other than me or you to eat.

Love and light….

Hi, my name is Michelle and I have no idea what's about to happen

It is strongly suggested to all single folks new to recovery to avoid dating for the first year.  This is a suggestion, rather than an order or demand. It has to be that way because when dealing with a bunch of alcoholics and addicts, if you tell us what to do, we will do the exact opposite.  Luckily, I followed this suggestion and did not date in the first year. Nope, I did not go on one date in the first year of my sobriety.  I didn’t need to.

I fell in love at rehab.

Ah, rehab, such a magical time in a women’s life. Birds singing, sun shining, therapists diagnosing, doctors prescribing and me… slowly (but not at all quietly) losing my mind. Rehab, the perfect place to fall in love and take my new Higher Power out for a spin. I mean, all the signs were there that it was meant to be. What were the chances another codependent, drug addicted, self-serving mess of a human being would cross my path, IN REHAB? I mean there were all the men that fit that description I had met when I was still using coke and vodka to heal my wounds, but this one was a doctor for God’s sake! Wouldn’t my mom be proud of me this time? It was fate to be sure.  No way was there anyone else as screwed up as I was in the world that had an ass like his. Nope, this was my new Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself. I don’t need to be alone and get to know myself after all. I have beaten the system!!!!!  What a great story we would have for our grandkids. Love was in the air……

Now flash forward 4 months to me at his house, uhaul out front with everything I own in the world inside of it, him at another women’s house he has decided to start dating and me swallowing a handful of pills trying to take my own life when it all did not go the way I wanted it to go. What was it they told me about again? What did they SUGGEST not to do? Oh, NOW I REMEMBER. FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK

I have not forgotten that moment of realization. I can still recall how the carpet felt on my bare knees when I fell to the floor and starting begging for relief from the pain that was hitting me from all sides. A few moments after I took the pills I was in the bathroom making myself sick. Death was not the answer and for the first time neither was a drink or drug. So what was, prayer? You’ve got to be kidding me. Fucking prayer? Wasn’t it my Higher Power that got me into this mess? I mean, who put “Doctor Ass for Days” in my path anyway? Wasn’t it my HP’s fault I had packed up and moved three states away for a man I had known 5 months and met in rehab?  It could not have been my fault. All the signs were there that it was meant to be. All I did was follow the signs (good kisser, good job, sober, seemed to like me and have I mentioned his ass). How in the hell was this happening to ME?

Time is a wonderful thing. With time I get the gift of perspective, with perspective I receive the gift of humility, with humility comes humor and so it goes. On Friday I am going to sit down with this man for the first time since all of this and make an amends for my part of what happened. I am doing this because it has been suggested I cannot stay sober without taking this step.  It has been proven to me that when I follow suggestions I find relief.

There has not been one day since the day I met “Doctor Ass for Days” that I have not thought of him in some way or another. On Friday I will be taking a big step in the right direction to change that. I have not missed him in quite some time and today I know things happened exactly as they were supposed to happen, but I still think of him daily, even if it’s just to remember I need to do an amends with him. My hope for myself is that if I can admit my part in what happened I can finally forgive him for his part.  After all, what are the chances that another codependent, drug addicted, self-serving mess of a human being would do anything to hurt anyone other than themselves intentionally? Pretty slim, right?

 It has gotta be my Higher Power trying to tell me something

Hello sweet world....

I have been in an on again, off again love affair with drugs and alcohol for 27 years. On January 28, 2011 we broke-up again, hopefully for good this time. I have spent the last year learning how to live life like a sober member of society.

I am still learning.

I am learning how to breathe, talk, sleep, eat, date, screw, fail, succeed, emote, work, play and dance like a sober woman, for the very first time in my life. Most days, if I am really honest, I have no idea what I am doing.

I use a program and a spiritual connection to help me do all of these things, but sometimes it is just not enough.  That is where the internet comes in. Why not release this nonsense into the world? I mean after all, it’s only the workings of my sick brain.

I call myself “Bee Girl” because of the Blind Melon video for “No Rain”. I know EXACTLY how that little girl in the video felt. As a matter of fact, I believe she lives inside of me somewhere and is with me every day. The only way I was able to make her feel better before was to get her loaded on vodka and coke. Today she finds joy with other "Bee People" (sober ones) and dances like there is no tomorrow….. totally sober.