“As for me, all that I know is that I know nothing.”
Socrates
I start with that today because I do not write these blogs
to pretend I know anything at all. I am well aware of exactly how little I know
most moments of any given day. I write these blogs to help me live in the truth
of that statement a bit easier and in the hopes that someone will read them and
say “me too”. There is no other reason than that, but that is reason enough
today.
I have been waiting all week for an issue to be resolved
with a man I have been seeing. Last night resolution came, although it was not
the answer I hoped for or the way I hoped to get it, resolution was obtained.
The most amazing thing I learned this week was that after a
year being sober I was able to let someone be who they are and show them love,
even when I was not getting what I wanted. That is a gift of sobriety. It is just too bad that someone wasn’t me.
All week long was full of thoughts that the way I was
feeling was just wrong. I was shoulding all over myself. “I shouldn’t be sad, I
should be grateful. I shouldn’t be so attached.
I shouldn’t want what I want” All of that shoulding just served to make
me feel even worse. Not once did my berating help me in the situation, for the
same reason it does not help if I do it to another person. People have no
control over how they feel. Telling them they are wrong for having their
feelings is like telling a person what they feel does not matter. Unfortunately
(or fortunately. Depending how you look at it), those “people” include me, even
with all my best efforts to the contrary. Walking around telling myself that I was
wrong all week was like me telling myself I don’t matter. No wonder I was so
uncomfortable. I was hanging out with a
jerk all week. (I say jerk in the most loving way possible. By jerk I mean very
scared and misinformed ego. I will do a 4th step and get an amends
in ASAP! I promise)
“Acceptance is the
answer to all my problems today……” I read that line often and give my best
effort to apply it to others. I learned this week none of that matters if I don’t
give it to myself. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I don’t know that to
be fact, but I have faith that it is true. If I could choose to move “somewhere”
further along in this process I would, but I can’t. So I must be where I am
supposed to be.
Now being accepting of others is not all bad and is still a completely
new idea to me. An extremely long emotional email was typed and nearly sent last
night. However, faith won out over self-will and it was read to a friend and
put in my journal instead. It was the kind of email that was full of all the
feelings that pull at a man’s heart strings and make them think twice about
what they are doing. Everything in it was 100% true and I feel every word of
it. Everything in it was also 100% selfish, manipulative and completely self-serving.
I would have been telling that beautiful soul of a man the way he felt was
wrong, that his feelings did not matter, just as I had done to myself all week.
That is not acceptable to do today.
So here I sit in my bed, typing away on my laptop, trusty
cat at my side and my phone beeping every few moments with messages of love
from the women in my life. My life is how it should be today and I am how I should
be today. Today what that means is that I am a bit sad about what almost was
and grateful for what is. I have a heart that is open enough to hold on and a
mind that is open enough to learn to let go.
I mean I think that is where I am, but as I said before…. I
really don’t know.
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