I have been raped and sexually assaulted 9 times in my life.
Once at 2-years old by a female babysitter with another
little boy who lived in my neighborhood
Once at 6-years old by an adult male in my neighborhood
Once at 9-years old by the same little boy involved in what
happened when I was 2
Twice in two months at age 12, one time by a group of three 16-year
old boys and the other by just one man
I passed out one night at a party when I was 16-years old
and woke up with a boy on top of me and inside me. A friend of his came down
when he was done to take his turn as well. I didn’t even fight him
Once at 21-years old I went out with some co-workers. I had
too much to drink and passed out in the back of a male co-worker’s car. While
he was driving me home he decided to pull over to the side of the rode. Again,
woke up to him on me and inside me. I remember I had just started dating someone
and was scared that what was happening meant I was cheating on him. I had to
work with this man for the next 6-months.
And finally, at the age of 30, I went out with some friends
and we met a group of guys at the bar. The rest is really fuzzy. I am assuming they put something in my drink. I
woke up in a hotel room with a group of men surrounding the bed. My skirt was
up and my panties were down. I crawled
out of that room while those men laughed at me. I was married at the time and
never told my husband what happened. He was understandably upset with me that night
when I came home so late. It was shortly after that I asked my ex-husband for a
divorce.
I never told anyone that could help me what happened. I took
all the blame and buried it deep inside me. As I type this I can feel that very
familiar feeling of shame creep up my spine and into my throat. I can feel my
body tense and my stomach turn. I feel instantly dirty and want to crawl into a
hole.
I have been reliving these emotions all week because a new
man in my life showed me physical affection.
I am pissed about it.
For years I would only ever talk about any of this stuff
when I was completely loaded and with my very closest friends. If I talked about it too much it made it all
real and I knew I could not deal with it if these events became real. Now I am more open to talk about it, but then
I worry about the way it affects the people I am telling. When I laid it all
out there in treatment, the reactions I saw scared me. I thought the group was
upset with me, it was not until later, after it was explained to me I
found out they were upset for me. It was shortly after I shared
all of this in rehab that my insurance company said I was “too emotionally damaged
to benefit from further treatment”.
These events defined me for an incredibly long time and I have
put a great deal of effort into working through them over the past year. All of
that effort seemed to go out the window the other night when I was being
kissed. I panicked, went into robot mode, shut down, hurt the man’s feelings
and ran like there was no tomorrow as soon as I could. Not my most attractive look.
My sponsor suggested I write all of this out and get it out
of my head and my dear sweet friends remind me to be gentle with myself, because I won’t be. I want what I want when I want
it. What I want right now is not to have to deal with these emotions, but that
is not the case. I have them and I cannot afford to ignore them anymore.
A woman very dear to me sent me an email today. In her email
she shared with me some equally awful experiences. I received an email from
another woman a few days ago who shared something she too is feeling shame
over.
What I told them both is that shame is not real, love is. I
believe that to be true.
What I am feeling right now is not based in reality, it is
based in fear. I did NOTHING to deserve what happened to me. I do not have to
let these feelings control me. I do not have to be ashamed of what my story is.
It is mine and it has made me who I am today. I am a sober woman facing these
things the best way I know how to and there is nothing shameful about that.
So I am stepping out in love and hoping that someone else
will find this helps them. But even if it doesn’t, it has helped me. I do not
have to hide who I am anymore. The fact I am able to write all of this out
without reaching for a drink or a drug shows the power of the program I work.
All I am doing is being honest about who I am and that can never be wrong. I do
not have to hold on to these things anymore and so I am letting them go today, even
if it is just for today.
I don’t understand why things happen in this world. I don’t understand
why things happened the way they did for me. But what I do understand is that
if I change my perception I can change my day and if I do that enough days, I
can change my life.
Today I am not a victim, today I am a survivor. Today I will
practice gratitude for these feelings. Today I will share them and send love
ahead.
Love and light….
No comments:
Post a Comment